“No is a complete sentence.”
I heard that at a women’s breakfast recently, and while I loved the concept of it (un-apologetically saying “no” with no explanation or regret), it didn’t resonate with me.
It’s probably because I’m a people-pleaser by nature, and most of the time, I really do want to say yes.
I really do want to go to happy hour and see my friends after work. I really do want to join another board and champion the worthiest of causes. I really do want to coach another moot court team and mentor more mentees.
At the same time, I want to be a present mama, who has energy left for all the whys, who can parent without resorting to Disney + and to able to referee toddler fight club without yelling.
I want to be a loving wife, who does more than grunt in response to a hello, who sees her husband for the hardworking, generous man he is —instead of conversing solely about do’s and don’ts and when’s and how’s.
What I have realized recently is that “making” time is impossible. The more accurate word is choice. It is not time management. It is choice management. It is energy management.
We can only choose how to spend the finite resource of time, and when we choose to spend our time in one area of our life, then another area necessarily goes without. This realization is the same with energy. Who and what is worth my time and energy? Is it worth not having enough for my family?
Suddenly, “no” is a lot easier.
While the #struggle is certainly still real (because I do not have this all figured out), what has helped me lessen the (often self-induced) stress of saying no is to intentionally set boundaries and decide what the rules of engagement are before having to make any decisions in real time. That way, when it’s decision time, I can simply reaffirm a prior decision that I intentionally made with thought and reflection instead of having to make it in real time, perhaps when I’m stressed out or already depleted. It’s kinda like creating an algorithm in advance (obviously analog), and if the ask doesn’t align with the goals and decisions I already made (when I wasn’t stressed), then “no” is the natural choice.
For example, one of the things that I discovered that I am most grateful for (according to my gratitude journal) is how Orion runs to me with his chubby little arms outstretched and yells happily, “Mommy! Mommy!” when I pick him up from daycare. “Hold me, Mommy!” And when I pick him up, I get all the sticky, snotty kisses and feel like a superhero for simply existing. I know this won’t last forever, and because of that, I have decided that I do not want to miss any more pickups than I have to.
And therein lies my “rule” of engagement going forward.
This means that anytime I get asked to go to happy hour or dinner or an event after work, my go-to is “no.” Does that mean I always say no? No, that’s impossible. “No” is my go-to, but aside from necessarily having to miss due to work travel, I also make exceptions on a case-by-case basis (i.e. important work function, BFF from out of town visiting, rare opportunity to hear Michelle Obama speak …you get the gist), but knowing my rules of engagement ahead of time and more importantly, my why – makes the “no” way easier to give.
Other “rules” that I have heard from other women:
- No business lunches (they delay getting home to the littles)
- One board at a time
- One extracurricular activity only
- X number of mentees at a time
- No phone / work email from daycare pickup to bedtime
Of course, they can change. They are your rules, after all.
For example, when I had Orion, my second kiddo, my rule was no extracurricular activities until he turned 1, and because of my strong why, I was able to turn down a number of opportunities for service graciously and without guilt and without any negative effect to being asked again in the future.
So where to start?
- Make a list of your non-negotiables (be honest with yourself!)
- Confession: I can list sleep as a non-negotiable, but it’s one of the first things I compromise (I am not proud of this but I want to be transparent)
- Use that list to create your rules of engagement
- Create your canned response that ties to your why for turning things down
- Practice, practice, practice (and give yourself grace)
