There are moments that the words don’t reach
There is suffering too terrible to name
You hold your child as tight as you can
And push away the unimaginable
-Lin-manuel miranda (“It’s quiet uptown” — hamilton)
It was an ordinary day.
Lots of conference calls. Checking emails. A couple of webinars. And when one of my calls cancelled, I decided to hop on my Peloton to try to get some cardio in.
But then I got a text from my kids’ daycare:
2:59 p.m.
Dear Parents,
We wanted to let you know that we are currently on lockdown. Everyone is safe and we will let you know when we are released by the police department.
Instantly, my heart started racing as my Amygdala kicked into high gear.
Deep breaths, Mey. Deep breaths.
Gotta hold my anxiety at bay.
Paralysis is not helpful right now.
I immediately texted my husband and asked him if I should drive to the school…
Then I start using social media to try to figure out what’s going on, as tears involuntarily streamed down my face.
It’s probably just a precaution, Mey.
The text said they were safe.
They have practiced for this.
But what was the last thing I said to them?!?
Did I hug them?
And there it was.
The thought.
The unbearable thought that hurts too much to be contemplated.
And I fell to the floor with quick, shallow breaths.
What if…..?
Are they scared?
What if….?
What kind of mom isn’t with their kids?
What if?
Do they know I love them?
And I had to text my lifeline of friends to help me carry the fear that I couldn’t even fathom.
That was too hard to hold in my already tightening chest.
Within seconds, my tribe consoled me, sent me a breathing exercise, and searched social media – as I prayed.
Within minutes, my husband called and assured me that it was protocol to create a perimeter if a shooter escapes and told me not to go to the school, that the kids were safe.
My tribe also texted me Facebook updates from local news as I scanned the local police department’s page and felt relieved as I saw that it wasn’t an active shooter.
That it was a domestic dispute (not that this is necessarily great), but at least it was not someone angry enough to take out innocent children.
And by 3:16 p.m., we saw that the lockdown at schools had been lifted.
And later we got another text.
3:29 p.m.:
“Dear Parents,
The lock down has been lifted we are all safe.”
A huge sigh of relief.
But the tears didn’t stop immediately.
My breath took some time to return to normal —
Because for 15 minutes,
I was forced to imagine the unimaginable today.
Lucky for me, I didn’t have to actually live it.
It was just a false alarm.
But the moment was enough.
The moment was too much.
Not only did I hug and kiss them a little bit more tonight.
They also got chocolate and screen time. <3
P.S. When and how did this become normal?