“Self-deprecating – the tendency to disparage or undervalue oneself”
Merriam-Webster Dictionary
“Hey, gotta minute?” Meadow asks, as she steps into my workspace.
“Sure! What’s up?”
I fully expected her to start talking shop — we just got off a call with a client.
“So I don’t know whether I should say this. I’m new here…we barely know one another, but you’ve been so welcoming –I really like you, and I hope what I’m about to say doesn’t change anything.”
I’m pretty sure my cortisol shot up.
Nothing good follows a lead-in like that.
I took a deep breath and nodded to encourage her to continue, although I really wanted to shake my head fervently no.
“So we just got off the third or fourth call with the client – and every single call, you’ve said something to the effect of, ‘I’m not sure why I got pulled in’ or ‘I’m not sure why I’m on this project,’ or something else self-deprecating. Maybe it was ok to say it one time, but when you start repeating something like that, clients will start believing it and start to wonder – ‘why are you on the team?’
I feel the familiar sting of tears pooling in my eyes as I nod almost too enthusiastically, trying to discretely look up at the ceiling to divert the tears.
“Mey, you were chosen by our GC for this project for a specific reason. Even if you aren’t confident in yourself, you have to find confidence in that. Plus, our business clients don’t know what we know. They just know that we are lawyers, who will help them solve their problems. You absolutely know more about the law than they do. So don’t give them any reason to doubt you. I know it’s probably not my place, but I like you, and I want you to succeed.”
Now the tears really wanted to come out, but for a different reason.
My initially beaming smile that waned to a plaster-like shell post-constructive criticism – perked up again.
“Thank you.”
And I meant it.
“Self-deprecating – trying to make yourself, your abilities, or your achievements seem less important”
Cambridge Dictionary
A couple of things I learned:
First, that Meadow would quickly become a trusted confidant. She truly didn’t have anything to gain, and maybe something to lose, in being so candid. The fact that she cared enough despite our new relationship to invest in me told me all I needed to know about her character as a person. As you can imagine, she quickly became a confidante and many a “real-talk” lunch has followed. She is an absolute gem.
Second, that if it were not for her candor, I would not have realized that self-deprecation had become a crutch for me. I obviously didn’t realize I was doing it – and certainly not that many times or to that degree.
Importantly, her feedback gave me an opportunity to reflect on why.
Some possible reasons:
- People-pleasing. It can be a way to be easily liked – sometimes self-deprecating humor can be an effective ice-breaker, a shortcut to ingratiating someone else or the client
- Imposter syndrome. Confidence is something I have personally struggled with (despite my achievements).
- Perception of bigger win. Lowering expectations to knock them out of the park. As a lawyer, I’ve continuously been underestimated in my career, and it’s been a fuel for my preparation. Was it so much a habit that I needed to be underestimated to perform? Did I need to make myself an underdog?
In case you find yourself in this habit too and wonder if self-deprecation is a crutch, here is a great article.
Regardless of the why, I knew that my self-deprecation was self-limiting. Implicit bias already exists – why was I making my job at gaining credibility with clients, ever harder?
Here are some things to consider to stop using self-deprecation as a crutch and create a mind-shift:
- The old adage is true: if you don’t believe in yourself, why should anyone else?
- Humor can still be an effective way to break the ice, but why do you have to be the butt of the joke?
- Think of yourself in third-person and as someone you love. Would you let them talk about themselves that way?
- Observe various leaders and speakers and lawyers that you admire. Notice how they display confidence.
- Work with a professional coach. Here’s mine (he has been transformative!) but you have to find the right fit for you. P.J. has helped me lean into my top talents, and my confidence has grown exponentially.
To your possibilities!
Always Meybe.
